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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Between You and I

There's another world in your eyes.
I can see it when I stare:
a heartbeat in time with the flicker of a candle's light.

I can hear it in your voice,
something familiar.
A bridge between your world and mine.

Can I leave, though, my own world
which I have so carefully assembled?
Can I hide forever?

Meet me on the bridge.
We'll sit with our legs dangling off the side.
You can whisper in my ear.

Words like silk.

Still water or flash floods?
Warm meadows or mountain ridges?
Crisp autumns or perpetual spring?

Your world or mine?

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Metal Bench



      I lay here outside left-field, soaking in the starlight. My thoughts inevitably turn to you. It's not that you don't notice me, we laugh together every day, it's that I'm everything to you in the wrong way.
      When you smile at me, run to me and give me a hug, I never--ever--want to let you go. When you're crying on my shoulder after a long day I want to whisper though your tears that I love you.
      I know you don't understand how much it hurts when you talk about him the way you do with that glitter in your eye that carries into your smile. But it's that same smile that I dream about on nights like this.

      I'm here every night because this is where you once told me you loved me. You didn't mean it in the way I longed for you to mean it. Like this bench, it was cold. Warm to you maybe, but the curt sentence cut straight through my chest. So I sit here still, wishing you were here, knowing that you need me more as just a friend.

      And what wouldn't I do for the girl worth a thousand of me?

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Catalyst



It has been
distant as Orion for a while now.
So nearly out of sight that I dreamt upon it, instead of
reaching for it.

I wouldn't recall
its enveloping warmth--
the life it gave to even the most somber of nights.
On purpose.

To remember
hurt. To think of all that
had once been got to me every time. Feeling alone
among all

who still possessed it.
And even more so among those who didn't.

I am
the master of the fickle
fine. Clench your teeth through the pain and
it's a smile.

Nobody could
possibly be able to understand
what it's like to feel like everything is holding on
by a thread.

Patience,
it turns out, truly is a
virtue. All good things come to those who
wait.

You came along.
Just in time.

You.
Someone who knew
who knew what it was like to live in a cage.
Alone.

Someone
who escaped and flew
and lived. Living now with a true smile and a truer
laugh.

All that's left
is to thank you for what you've
given me, in the only way I know how-- through
words.

You've given me the greatest gift:
Hope.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Come So Far

I can honestly say that I never thought that this would happen.

When I started this blog just a few months ago I never thought that I would see the day that I would have over 1600 views, and a pocket full of subscribers.

In all truth I was skeptical that anyone would be interested in hearing what I have to say. I was just an eighteen-year-old kid with an overactive imagination and a mind that loved to wander.

So thank you.
Thank you so much.

It was my birthday yesterday. So I'm not "Just Eighteen" anymore. I considered changing the name of this blog to "Just Nineteen", but that just didn't feel right. The more I thought about it, the more I kept coming back to how far I've come since I started this, and from that I drew the new name of this blog:

Come So Far.

I dedicate this post to everyone who has read--and hopefully enjoyed--my ramblings so far.

------

I used to use words to talk.
I would sit and speak through type.
I wanted everyone to listen.
And nod their heads.

I added some rhythm to those words,
though they weren't exactly a song.
As I spoke the words I could feel myself dancing
and I hoped others danced as well.

Now I use words to think.
To think out loud, and I hope--
Hope that others think with me.
Because we've come so far.

------


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Little Lexi


I will never stop.

Never stop climbing walls.
Never stop the late calls.
And you know why.

Even if you fight me,
I will never stop fighting
for you.

From you,

I would take every painful moment
upon myself if I could.
In a heartbeat.

When your knees shake,
I will relieve you of any burden
I can steal away.

Because you never have to be alone.

You will always have my
shoulder to lean on,
cry on, to hold on.

Our hands will always be
outstretched.

Even if you hide,
I know that you know
that I'll be right here.

Waiting on the front steps—
Even in the snow.
And you know how much I hate snow.

Never stop laughing.
Because your smile is worth
so much more than you know.

Look around you,
because I will surround you
with everything beautiful.

All you have to do
is take a deep breath—

And hold it.

Cling to it.

Because sometimes beauty
is all you have to remind you

of who you really are.

And who you are,
is twice as breathtaking.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Front



Independent. Immune.
She is fearless.
She is strong.

All those around her
“know” it.
And they all think they see it.

But.

Look. Look deep inside.
Past the walls—past the pride.

And see the girl.

She is afraid. Trembling.
She has fallen, and
It’s dark.

So dark that even her own eyes
betray her, and
She can’t even see herself anymore.

She searches for light
for anything to remind her that she’s
still real

She lights a candle.
And another.
And another.

They are dim,
but warm.
And warm means that

She’s still living.

So many candles are lit, though,
that as she lights each one,
another runs out of wax.

No time for tears.

----- 

Turn around.
Flip the switch,
That’s been there all along.

There is a light that
never flickers.
Never dims.

Just say a prayer,
He’ll meet you there.
Wherever “there” may be.

She makes a decision.
An empty space at a table.

As the room floods
with white,
she rises to its heat.

It fills her body and
she remembers
who she is.

A daughter of god.
A princess.
A belle.

Her vigor renews,
she blinks her eyes at
the blinding big world.

And changes it. 

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Sleep

This is a monologue that I wrote, just for fun. I was planning on performing it for a competition, but it just never happened. It's just a rough draft that I wrote a while ago, so don't judge it too harshly, eh? It's also a lot better when it is being performed, since the wording is based on how I personally would express things.

Here's the scene: A psychiatrist's office. Javon, an annoyed looking 18-year-old, enters the office from a door across from a wooden desk. The psychiatrist, Doctor Kent, is a stubborn, blunt, middle-aged man. All of the following is said by Javon.

I'm doing well, thanks. I'm Javon Skye. [Sarcastically] New patient.

Actually, I'd prefer not to sit, Doctor... Kent was it? You see, I've already gone through three counselors, two doctors, and four other psychiatrists besides yourself, and, quite frankly, I know that there's nothing that you can do to help me.

My mind set?! My mind set isn't the problem. The problem is that trying to fix me by sending me to see psycho-analyzers is like trying to cure cancer with an ice-pack.

You're right. I've never actually discussed it with anyone, and I never will. There's no point. I have trouble sleeping--That's all. You can't help me. I'm gonna go ahead and leave now. [Tries door, it has been locked from the outside. Turns to Kent, anger rising]

Did my parents put you up to this? They think that if I'm locked in here then I'll just give and tell you? [Pauses] Look, I'm not telling you for your own... protection.

Oh, you think that's funny, do you? I mean, what could I possibly say that could be that bad? If I tell you, lives will be lost. Are you really willing to make that happen?

Well. That's... different. How much are they paying you if you get me to indulge my little... Secret?

As there is clearly no alternative in your eyes, I will tell you. I admit, it will be great to finally get it off of my chest.

[Looks Kent straight in the eyes, as he speaks he slowly returns to the desk, eventually sitting back down] As I'm sure my parents have told you, I don't just have trouble sleeping. Every so often, in the middle of the night, they hear me screaming. [Then as a sidenote:] They don't even bother to check in on me anymore.

The wording "every so often" doesn't exactly describe the pattern that actually exists. My parents just haven't noticed it. I scream, in fact, every sixth time that I fall asleep, though I have reason to scream much more often than that.

You see, there's a brief moment between being awake and being asleep. It is that instance when you feel weightless, when you're only half-conscious. I no longer experience that sensation, such is the nature of my curse. It has been replaced with... [struggles to come up with a word to describe it for a moment] with death.

Let me start from the beginning. On the night of my tenth birthday, my grandfather took me aside and revealed to me that I had been born with the family curse. That it afflicted every other generation. He told me that it would take effect that very night. Even though he told me exactly what was going to begin to happen to me, nothing could've prepared me for the first night.

My parents tucked me in as usual, it had been a great birthday, and I had already pushed what my grandfather had told me out of my mind. It seemed impossible. Right before sleep overtook my young body, though the curse proved itself to be real.

I screamed for the first time as I felt my throat be roughly slit. I saw no assailant, I only saw the blood on my hands that had flown to my neck, and felt the warm liquid streaming onto my chest. My parents rushed into the room as I continued to shriek. They came to my side and began shaking me, insisting that it was "just a nightmare."

And then I died.

And then... I woke up.

I had experienced the first death in a cycle of six. During breakfast my parents mentioned my "nightmare", and my grandfather's words creeped back into my memory: If I told anyone about the curse, I wouldn't wake up the next morning. So I told my parents that I didn't remember anything. [Painfully] To this day I still tell them the same thing.

Of course, I mentioned that it is a cycle of six. The second time I give in to sleep, I drown. Water suddenly fills my lungs and spills out of my mouth. I can see the water, hear it, feel it, taste it. But no one else can. [Bitterly] I'm the only one who can't breathe. I'm the only one that gets to perceive myself fighting desperately for air, and losing that fight for my life.

[Begins to sound slightly hysterical] The third death, in sadistic contrast to the last, is thirst. Imagine, Doctor, your tongue sticking to the roof of your mouth. You're struck by sudden helplessness. You feel your organs shriveling within you, and you die along with them.

The fourth "rest" is to be crushed. You can't imagine the pain. Every bone in my body strains and shatters just for sleep, a necessity. The fifth is to freeze. Strangely, it is my favorite way to die. The cold  itself numbs the initial pain it causes, and I quickly lose the ability to comprehend that my body is shutting down.

I remind you that I only scream every sixth night. After eight years with this curse, I have learned to anticipate and mentally prepare myself for the first five. [Leans forward, finally looking Kent in the eyes for the first time] But I tell you, there is no way to prepare yourself to watch and feel your own flesh being consumed by flames.

That is why I still scream.

And that's only half of the curse. [Hysteria growing] You see, I'm not a fool, Doctor. My mother once made a comment when I was sixteen years old which doubled my curse. I learned that I could get rid of my curse at any time by passing it on to anyone else. But how could I bring myself to do that to someone? How could I knowingly cause another person to go through so much pain?

The comment that my mother made was one she said to my father, I just overheard. She said, "I was thinking about Javon and I remembered that my mom mentioned that his grandfather
(may he rest in peace) also used to scream in his sleep. So I called her up to see what made him stop. She said that he screamed almost every night for six years, but suddenly stopped another six years ago. I can only hope that Javon will grow out of it as well."

[Suddenly deathly serious] I realized something that day. A series of six deaths, the sixth being the worst, and he stopped after six years. Six... six... six. My grandfather, he didn't just tell me about the curse that I "already had" when I was ten; he gave me the curse. You see, Doctor Kent, six years completes the curse. After that time frame, the curse can be passed on simply by telling someone about the existence of the curse.

I kept the curse for eight years. When I said that lives would be lost if I told you, you probably didn't even consider that they would all be your own.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But I'm tired, and now I can sleep.