Morninglight

I was supposed to copy the style of another author and write about my first day of college. I procrastinated until four in the morning the night before it was due, and it quickly turned into a satire of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight.


If you haven't read at least the first book you probably won't get it...
To be read in a whiney voice:

I hate Provo. It’s always raining here. It isn’t like Mapleton. In Mapleton it never rains and my mom is there. Just my dad works here and he’s always been overprotective.
            I walked to my first class in the Maeser building. I felt like everyone was watching me. It was raining. I hate Provo. Did I mention how much I hate Provo?
            I turned the corner into the classroom, relieved to be free from all of the staring eyes. I looked around the room; there was only one seat open. It was next to the most beautiful girl that I had ever seen. She was almost… inhuman somehow.
            As I walked to the lone empty seat I thought about how much I hate Provo. And rain. I sat down next to the girl and she hissed and scooted her chair away from me. Her dark eyes flashed at me for a moment. Then she got a weird look on her face that stayed for the rest of the movie, I mean… day. I thought, “That was weird. People never hissed at me and scooted away in Mapleton. But whatever, she’s pretty. I hate Provo. It rains here.”
            Then we went over the syllabus. I didn’t hear a word the teacher said because I was completely engulfed with staring at the beautiful girl next to me that had strangely pointy teeth.
            I broke the silence and said, “Are you a vampire?”
             And she said, “Noooo!”
            And I said, “Will you bite me?”
            And she said, “Noooo!”
            And I said, “Will you date me?”
            And she said, “Yeah cause you smell good and I watch you when you sleep.”
            And I was like, “Wait, what?”
            And she said, “Never mind.”
            And then all of the sudden there was this really buff girl that came up and was like, “I’m a really bad actress, and I’m definitely not a werewolf.” And then the pretty girl I was talking to hissed at the buff girl and I was like.
            “Hey stop that, I love you both… but buff girl you’re a baby. You can marry my son Renesme.”
            And the buff girl said, “IMMMPRINTINNNG.” And then she turned into a wolf and scampered away.
            And I was like, “That was weird, but she said she wasn’t a werewolf and I trust her because we used to build motorcycles together.”
            And then the teacher said, “Did something just happen?”
            And then I dropped an apple and the pretty girl caught it for me really fast. And then we were playing baseball. And then I was like, “I know what you are.”
            And then she wrote me a song and then another girl tried to eat me.

The End.

Nonsense Journals

I wrote these a while back in high school. I also have a knack for writing things that serve no purpose whatsoever besides being ridiculous. They are best read out loud in an obnoxious voice. Enjoy.


Journal #14

                My favorite color is blue. I like blue because it matches all of my pants, and my favorite pair of shoes. Not to mention the fact that a lot of my favorite things are blue, such as, the sky, water… when it’s in ponds, blue fin tunas, Dory, and those blue raspberry lollipops. Mmmmmm… J Sooo delicious. I wish that everything in the whole world was blue. If grass was blue, maybe I would enjoy mowing the lawn more, on my blue lawnmower. I would frequently take drinks out of my blue water bottle, and would bask in the blue sunshine. And I would eat blueberries, because they would actually be blue, instead of that crappy purplish color they are now.

Journal #15

                If I could be any animal, I would probably be a fox… Or a lemur. But we’ll stick with fox. Foxes are, well, foxy for starters. And that is the definition of me. I mean… just look at me. I’m simply dazzling! But not sparkly, like Edward. Gross. Anyways, back at the ranch, foxes are also very skinny, like me, and they are very sneaky and tricky. I can usually get whatever I want from people because, one, I dazzle the crap out of them, and two, I am very persuasive. I also am lithe and graceful like a majestic flying squirrel.

Journal #16

                My favorite kind of vegetable is the avocado, because it is so versatile. You can eat them plain, in salads, in guacamole, in salsa, and on top of casseroles and a variety of other dishes. My favorite kind of fruit is the red pear, not green pears, not yellow pears- red pears. Their flesh is pleasantly firm and the flavor is succulently sweet. It’s like heaven above had a rainstorm, and that rain fell to earth and planted a tree, and from that tree grew red pears. I also sort of like grapefruit. My favorite kind of starch is a potato. Because that’s the only plant in the starch category that I know about besides like… parsnips. And parsnips just aren’t that special. My favorite herb is dill, because when you get the plants fresh, it’s fun to run your fingers up and down the plant because it feels fuzzy.

Journal #17

                Once upon a time, in a galaxy not very far from her, in fact, it was here, just a long time ago… Ok starting over. Once upon a land right here, there were dinosaurs that ran around. They ate lots of plants. One day the dinosaurs decided that just eating plants (and each other) all day was really boring, so they decided to start a disco club. They stayed up all night, every night, discoing the night away. T-rexes danced with Stegosauruses, Triceratopses danced with Duck-bills, and thus, racism was eliminated in the dinosaurs’ society. And then a giant asteroid hit the earth and squished them all. The end. Someone should make a movie about that.

Journal #18

                In my ideal world, everyone would wear togas because they look good, and feel good, and I already own several of them. Also, everyone in Korea would have to stop eating dogs, because dogs are very friendly and don’t deserve to be eaten without written consent from them. And I’d like to see you try to get a dog to sign a consent form. In my world, everyone would be forced to chant my name every Wednesday for an hour, because I would be the supreme dictator of the world. I guess that everywhere wouldn’t be able to eat dogs, because I’d turn the entire world into one country: Spencerlandicus. There would be world peace, and I would solve world hunger by planting lots and lots of corn. Innnnndian corn.

Journal #19

                If I had time to do whatever I wanted, I would probably take up competitive underwater basket weaving. It is just a really intense sport, and it’s always been my dream to go to the Boise, Idaho national competition some day. I plan to win first place there, and take my place among the most famous basket weavers of all time. When I am done with that, I will take my prize money and retire to Finland, because the Fins are just super classy. I’m going to have a lot of extra baskets when I’m done with my illustrious career, so here is a list of things I will be keeping in them: mittens, muffins, puffins, puppies, guppies, grills, pills (legal), pineapples, red apples, one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish, Scotland, cotton, a manicurist, frogs, dogs, Lincoln logs, root beer extract, newspaper clippings, grass clippings, grasshoppers, jalapeño poppers, flip floppers, glue, oranges, whiskers, cold mold and bold gold. Yep. Them’s gonna be some full baskets.

Journal #20

                It’s random ranting time, with Spencer Ballard! First off, the funny thing about platypuses is that they’re not really mammals, and they’re not really birds. I mean… what the crap? It’s like a pelican and a sea otter had a summer fling or something. Secondly, what’s the deal with junior high kids thinking that they’re the shiz? I was driving down the street the other day and a bunch of poser junior high kids were walking in the middle of the street and only letting one car go past at a time. I seriously considered doing the world a favor and giving one of them a friendly nudge with my car, just hard enough to knock some sense into him. And thirdly, we should all start convincing people we don’t like to illegally immigrate to Mexico, so they’ll think that our country sucks so they’ll stop coming here. It's not because I'm racist per se. It's because I just want to be able to go to Wendy’s and have them understand my order the first time I say it…. Not the fifth time.



Journal #21

                Let’s discuss some mysteries of the universe. Why do English people always have bad teeth? Explanation:  It is a pagan ritual to give them anti-braces when they are born, so they will fit in with all of the other bad-teethed people. Why does my teacher rule her class through fear? Explanation: her third grade teacher was a descendant of Mussolini. Why is America getting fatter? Explanation: the bees are disappearing. Why do people think monkeys are cute? Explanation: they, themselves, look more like monkeys than people. Why do people not recognize Miley Cyrus when she’s just wearing an (ugly)wig? Explanation: She’s a hypnotist. Dun dun Duuuun. Why does everyone think kittens are cute? Explanation: they are hypnotists, too. Why are bubbles so fun to pop? Explanation: your brain goes through the same process as when you drink lots of cold medicine. What do you get when a midget fortune teller escapes from jail? Explanation: A small, medium, at large. What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Explanation: time to ask the elephant why the heck he’s sitting on your fence in the first place. This has been –discussions of universal questions- with your host, Spencer Ballard. Please send any cash donations to 801-830-6491.

Like I said, nonsense. But nonsense can be more fun to read than a novel of literary worth sometimes. Which one was your favorite?
Want me to write a new journal entry? Comment with a prompt.